


When In London

by loopyhoopyfrood



Category: Doctor Who, Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-15 13:17:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15413766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loopyhoopyfrood/pseuds/loopyhoopyfrood
Summary: It wasn’t exactly the way he’d imagined their weekend would go. In his mind there’d been a lot more kissing, a lot less clothing, and a noticeable absence of giant, bipedal, orange cat-like things with serious anger management issues.Or: Phryne and Jack go to London, so of course, there's an alien.





	When In London

The dead body hadn’t surprised him. One could hardly expect to spend time with the Honourable Miss Phryne Fisher and _not_ become embroiled in a crime of some sort. Even if he _was_ supposed to be on holiday.

The alien was a completely different story.

“Please tell me you’re seeing this, Miss Fisher.”

“It has you up against a wall, Jack, I think we can safely assume you’re not hallucinating.”

“Right.”

In most usual situations, ‘not hallucinating’ would have been considered a positive diagnosis. The three very long, very _sharp_ , claws currently wrapped around Jack’s neck were doing a good job of convincing him otherwise.

“Please be careful where you’re pointing that gun.”

“Trust me Jack, I’m not planning on shooting you.”

“I think we both know your plans don’t always work out how you imagine.”

“Well, perhaps if you stopped moving-”

“My apologies, Miss Fisher, I’ll just politely ask this creature to set me down, shall I?”

“No need to be sarcastic Jack.”

Jack was pretty sure that if there was ever a time for sarcasm, being suspended in mid-air by a creature that he still wasn’t entirely convinced wasn’t a figment of his imagination was probably it, but he couldn’t really blame Phryne for recognising the seriousness of the occasion. It wasn’t exactly the way he’d imagined their weekend would go. In his mind there’d been a lot more kissing, a lot less clothing, and a noticeable absence of giant, bipedal, orange cat-like things with serious anger management issues.

“Hold still Jack!”

“I’m-”

Jack flinched as there was a bang, half-expecting to feel the sting of a bullet despite his trust in Phryne’s marksmanship. Instead there was a load roar, and Jack was suddenly covered in something green, wet, and altogether unpleasant as the creature’s face whipped past him to stare menacingly at Phryne.

“Ah.”

“Phryne?”

“Would you prefer the good news or the bad news first?”

Jack just groaned.

“Well, the good news is that I hit it.”

“I think I can guess the bad news.”

Jack’s deduction that Phryne’s shot had done nothing but enrage the creature seemed to be confirmed as it roared again, swinging Jack haphazardly through the air as it turned its body to face the woman who’d just shot at it.  Phryne took a few large steps backwards as she was greeted with two rows of very sharp, slobbery teeth and a blast of incredibly bad breath.

“Any ideas Jack?”

“I’m afraid I can’t offer much help from up here.”

Jack had stopped struggling as the claws holding him had pulled him away from the wall, taking note of the increase in the distance between his dangling feet and the floor. As much as having his throat cut wasn’t exactly an attractive prospect, neither was falling.

“Phryne-”

He was planning on telling her to leave, despite knowing it would be completely useless, but he was interrupted by a strange groaning noise echoing from behind her.

“Do you hear that?”

“I think we have bigger issues here.”

Jack would have agreed, acutely aware of the claws grazing his exposed throat, except as he found the source of the noise his conviction that this whole thing was a stress-induced hallucination returned with a vengeance.

“Phryne. Turn around.”

“Do you really think that’s the best idea right now?”

“I think I’m seeing things again.”

Cautiously, keeping one eye on the creature still slobbering and growling above her, Phryne turned.

“Is that thing you’re seeing a wooden blue box slowly fading into existence?”

“Not hallucinating then.”

“I’m afraid not.”

“Ah.”

Just as Jack managed to wrap his mind around the fact that a police public call box seemed to have materialised out of thin air, the door of the box swung inward. Phryne instinctively swung her gun around, finding herself pointing it at a tall man in a brown pinstriped suit. The man immediately raised his hands.

“Hello!”

Most people, when faced with the barrel of a gun, displayed an expression of shock, fear, defiance, or a mixture of all three. The man who’d stepped from the box just seemed mildly amused.

“Take me to your leader?”

There was a moment of stunned silence; a low growling and the occasional splash of phlegm hitting the ground the only sounds interrupting the impromptu standoff. Eventually, the pinstriped man spoke.

“Na, only kidding.” He lowered his hands, burying them in his trouser pockets as he strode forward, the door of the blue box falling closed behind him. Phryne’s pistol followed him, but the man didn’t seem all that bothered.

“Oh put it away.”

“Not until you explain to me who you are.”

“I’m the Doctor.” He said, waving cheerfully. “Hello.”

“Full name please, _Doctor_.” Said Phryne, not lowering the gun.

“Just the Doctor.” The Doctor said, as if that explained everything. “But you, oh you are _beautiful_!”

As he walked towards her, Phryne’s first thought was that this self-proclaimed Doctor was talking to her, and although flattered, it wasn’t exactly the response she expected from someone she was currently threatening to shoot. The Doctor passed her by however, and after quickly discounting Jack, Phryne realised that the Doctor was talking about the giant creature that was currently drooling all over the pavement. The knowledge didn’t do anything to convince her to lower her gun.

“Look at you!”

The creature roared once again as the Doctor stepped closer, and Jack found himself gripping tightly to a furry – arm? Leg? Appendage? – as he was swung through the air with such vigour that the grip on his neck began to loosen. Usually, he would have considered that a positive, but given the current distance between his body and the ground, he’d begun to somewhat appreciate the creature’s firm grip.

Eventually the creature’s erratic thrashing slowed, and after taking a moment to quell the urge to see his breakfast reappear, Jack finally felt safe enough to open his eyes. Below him, Phryne was still pointing her gun, although whether it was at the creature or the Doctor was hard to tell. The former seemed surprisingly calm, in fact, Jack would almost swear he could hear it _purring_. The later might have been the cause of that, as the Doctor seemed to have stepped way past what would have been considered a safe distance, produced a step-stool from nowhere, and was currently rubbing the giant, orange, cat-thing’s belly.

Jack blinked. The Doctor was _rubbing its belly_. The man was clearly mad, but what was even madder was the fact that it actually seemed to be doing… something. The gravelly rumble that could be passed off as purring was growing louder, and the creature was arching its neck in a way that was remarkably similar to Jack after a long day sat as his desk, its limbs growing loose and relaxed as the Doctor continued his massage. Jack glanced at Phryne, trying to ask her with his eyes whether or not he happened to be hallucinating yet. Phryne’s reply was unhelpful; if he didn’t know better he’d have labelled her current expression as ‘terrified’, and he was in the process of figuring out why that might be when she leapt forward, shouting his name with a worrying urgency. Jack’s brow furrowed in confusion, only for everything to suddenly make sense as the limbs around his neck relaxed even further and he found himself hurtling towards the ground at a rather bothersome speed.

As he fell, convinced he was about to meet his end by way of a creature he still wasn’t fully convinced was real, Jack found himself mentally composing a list of everything he regretted. He only got as far as ‘leaving the bed this morning’ however, before he was suddenly no longer falling and was instead lying on the ground trying to find a part of him that didn’t hurt.

He’d just about managed to narrow it down to his ears, fingers, and left big toe when Phryne reached his side, helping him to his feet as he tried to figure out why his fall had been cut short. With the way his day was going, he almost wouldn’t have been surprised if the ground had felt sorry for him and decided to meet him half way. Miraculously, despite the pain, nothing seemed to be bleeding or broken. Satisfied that Jack was still in one piece, Phryne once again raised her gun to the pinstriped man, who, to Jack’s utter confusion, was happily petting a small, orange cat.

“Where-?”

“Adrenergic intercellular catabolism!”

The Doctor grinned, looking up at Jack and Phryne as if he’d just explained perfectly why the giant, bipedal, clawed creature that had taken offence to them had seemingly disappeared into thin air and been replaced with a small ginger kitten. Given that Jack understood at best one syllable of those three words, he was no more enlightened than before.

“Fascinating mechanism, brilliant really, although how it evolved in a species with no natural predators we’ll never no, possibly something to do with the trees in the Felino galaxy, now there’s a species you wouldn’t like to meet in a dark alleyway…”

“Doctor!” Interrupted Phryne, taking pity on Jack, who was spectacularly failing to interpret any of the Doctor’s babble. Phryne herself was equally as lost, but had at least possessed the foresight to pretend otherwise.

“Yes?”

“Where did the… creature go?”

“It’s a Knol! And it’s right here.”

The Doctor, face lit with a huge grin that Jack would have been confused by, had it not matched the absurdity of the situation perfectly, held out the ginger kitten, who struggled furiously for a few seconds before begrudgingly accepting its fate. Jack considered the kitten for a moment, before deciding he was no more enlightened than before.

“I- still don’t understand.”

“Like I said, adrenergic intercellular catabolism. Residents of Bastion Mew, like the Knol, _welllllll_ , just the Knol really, the Tnubi do a similar thing, but that’s due an evolved mutation of the pythorian gland, completely accidental but remarkably-”

“Doctor!”

“Right.” The Doctor cleared his throat, furrowing his brow as he attempted to hustle his herd of thoughts back to his original point. “Oh yes, the Knol. They shrink!”

“Shrink?”

“Yep.”

The Doctor grinned as he popped the ‘p’, looking remarkably pleased with his success in remembering what it was they’d wanted to know in the first place. Phryne and Jack just looked confused.

“So that… cat-”

“Knol.”

“Knol,” Jack continued, deciding it was easier on his sanity to just go along with all this, “Is the same thing that attacked us earlier, just… smaller?”

“Yep.”

“And it’s an… alien?”

“Now you’re getting it!”

“Right.”

Jack glanced at Phryne, who looked back and shrugged, as if to say _why not_ , and Jack had to admit that given he’d already tentatively accepted the existence of giant, bipedal cats and magically appearing blue police boxes, the idea that the aforementioned giant, bipedal cat was actually an alien with the ability to shrink itself wasn’t really that much of a stretch. Besides, he was still holding out hope that he’d at some point wake up to find that this whole thing was a mad dream brought on by too much sea travel, and so he decided it was probably best not to question it any further.

“Right then!”

The pair turned to find that the Doctor, still cuddling the Knol, had slipped past them, and was leaning casually against the door of his blue box.

“I’ll be getting this little fellow back to where it belongs then. Thanks for the help. Welll, I say help, you sort of just… kept it busy for me. Not that you really meant to I suppose. Oh! That was rude, was that rude? Sorry. Anyway, allons-y!”

“Wait!”

“Yes?” The Doctor, who’d pushed himself off of the box and was currently making to open the door, paused. Phryne had her arms folded, and had donned the lifted chin and steely gaze that told Jack she was about to insist on getting her own way. What she was about to get her own way _in_ he had no idea, but given how his day had gone so far he wasn’t holding out much hope that it involved returning to their hotel and picking up where they’d left off that morning.

“We’re coming with you.”

“We are?” Jack asked. Both Phryne and the Doctor ignored him.

“Might be dangerous.” The Doctor warned.

“All the better.” Phryne retorted.

The two considered each other for a moment, before the Doctor relented, swinging open the door of his blue box with a casual shrug.

“Come on then.” He said, “One trip only, mind you.”

“Excellent.” Phryne said, and before Jack could voice any of his many, _many_ protests, she’d disappeared inside the police box. The Doctor quickly followed, waving for Jack to join them as he did so, leaving Jack to wonder just how close they were all going to have to get in there. Reluctantly, he stepped closer, wondering how on earth he allowed her to lead him into these sort of situations, only to remember exactly why he couldn’t resist her as Phryne’s head poked around the doorway.

“Jack!” She said breathlessly, grinning from ear to ear. “You have _got_ to see this!”


End file.
